Raising Brave Kids: Fostering Agency and Resilience
The idea started as a whispered joke between friends, a spark that spread quietly until nearly the whole grade knew about it: a synchronized quacking in the middle of class. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment act; it was carefully planned, with roles assigned as if it were an elaborate performance. The usual suspects took up their parts with glee, ready for the chaos. But what surprised me most were the quieter students who usually steered clear of pranks, now caught up in the excitement.
The buildup was intense—an unspoken agreement buzzing beneath the surface, passed along with knowing glances and suppressed grins. Some students, though, hesitated. They were in on the plan but opted out at the last minute, nervously passing their part to someone else who they knew would carry it out without hesitation. One student even voiced his discomfort, quietly telling his friends, "I don’t want to do this; we are learning right now."
When the moment came, only half of the classes followed through. A chorus of quacks rang out in some rooms, while in others, just a few lone voices echoed awkwardly. The grand spectacle fell short of its intended glory, but what followed was just as revealing. Teachers quickly intervened, pulling out the students who had quacked and trying to piece together where the plan had originated. There was a flurry of finger-pointing, with some students taking responsibility tearfully while others deflected blame. Notably, although most of the grade knew about the prank, no one stepped forward to inform the teachers beforehand, meaning there was no intervention to prevent it from happening.
In that moment, each student made a choice—some joined in, some held back, and others questioned the whole thing—reflecting both the influence of their peers and their own emerging sense of agency.
Why Agency Matters
This story may seem lighthearted, but it highlights how deeply the need for agency runs. Agency is crucial for children because it lays the groundwork for self-confidence, resilience, and problem-solving skills. When children feel they have some control over their environment and decisions, they learn to trust their instincts and develop a sense of competence. This sense of ownership over their actions helps them face challenges with determination rather than fear, knowing they have the ability to influence outcomes. This mindset is especially important during times of uncertainty and challenge, teaching children that while not everything in life is within their control, they can still choose how to respond. This adaptability strengthens their resilience, allowing them to navigate a complex world with greater confidence.
The story of the planned quacking prank also mirrors the way groupthink can operate on a larger scale, illustrating why agency is vital for making independent choices and being an upstander, even when it’s difficult. Groupthink is the tendency for individuals in a group to prioritize harmony and conformity over critical thinking, often leading to poor decision-making. It can be dangerous because it discourages dissenting voices and independent judgment, which can result in harmful or unintended consequences. In this scenario, although some students chose not to participate, the fact that no one informed the teachers showed how the influence of groupthink kept even those who disagreed from acting to prevent it. Building a sense of empowerment early helps children grow into adults who can stand firm in their values, resist peer pressure, and act according to their convictions, even when surrounded by group dynamics.
Let’s explore how this support unfolds across three key developmental stages: early childhood, elementary years, and middle school.
Early Childhood: Nurturing Self-Awareness and Choices
In early childhood, building agency starts with nurturing self-awareness and introducing basic problem-solving skills. For example, I worked with a young child who often struggled with being told where to stand in line. The frustration would quickly escalate into tears or resistance, sometimes resulting in the child hitting or pushing others. What we eventually discovered was that this behavior stemmed from sensory sensitivity and overwhelm when surrounded by people. To address this, we found that the child needed to stand at the very front or very back of the line to feel comfortable.
Rather than simply giving directives, we approached the situation by involving her in understanding why lining up was important and brainstorming ways she could feel more in control, such as choosing her spot in line or holding a small object to focus on. This helped her feel part of the process and reduced her stress in those moments.
It’s important to pay attention to children’s reactions and emotions during these interactions and make sure their voice is heard. Sometimes, strategies meant to help can feel like they are being done to children rather than with them, which can make them feel powerless. Listening to their input and acknowledging their feelings helps ensure that they feel included and respected. Patience is also key; these growth moments can take weeks, months, or even a year. Both children and adults need to understand that change takes time. When children develop agency at this stage, they start to build the resilience they will need to face future uncertainties with greater confidence and adaptability.
Parents and schools can partner effectively by creating environments where children feel they have an impact on how they face challenges. For instance, teachers can work with parents to establish consistent language and strategies both at home and in school, ensuring the child feels supported in a unified way. Openness from both parents and schools is essential, especially when dealing with more complex challenges. For example, a neurodivergent child may handle situations differently than a neurotypical child, requiring a more tailored approach that takes their unique needs into account. By working together with transparency and a shared commitment, parents and educators can create systems where children feel truly understood and empowered.
When children see that their input is valued in different settings, their confidence and sense of agency grow, preparing them to handle changes and challenges with more ease. This collaborative approach not only supports their current development but also equips them with the skills needed to face future obstacles with resilience and self-assurance.
It’s also essential to acknowledge that some things are “must do” while others are “may do.” Helping children understand this balance—that they have a say in some areas, but certain boundaries are set for their safety and well-being—can make them feel more secure and respected.
Elementary School: Building Collaborative Problem-Solving Skills
As children move into elementary school, their ability to reason and reflect on their experiences deepens. Conversations about managing challenges can become more detailed, and problem-solving can take on a more collaborative nature. Take the child who dysregulated quickly when learning becomes challenging. Rather than solely guiding from the outside, we invite him to contribute to strategies that can help him manage these moments—whether it is using a ‘cool down’ corner, practicing specific breathing techniques, or deciding when to ask for a break using pre-agreed upon signs with the teacher.
When parents and schools partner to create consistent problem-solving frameworks, children benefit from a seamless support system. Teachers can provide input on what techniques work well in the classroom, while parents can reinforce these methods at home. This cooperation ensures children feel like active participants in finding solutions that fit various parts of their life. It’s equally essential to pay attention to how children respond to these strategies and adjust accordingly, allowing them to express what does and doesn’t work for them. Patience is important here, too, as progress can be slow, but every small step counts. By nurturing agency, children build resilience that helps them face academic or personal challenges, even when life throws unexpected curveballs.
It’s important to note that as children get older, challenges will evolve, and home life may look very different from school. Home typically has lower demands, but this can sometimes mean that children, feeling safe, completely fall apart and need extra support to manage evening routines when they are tired. Agency in managing their energy, nutrition, and sleep is important, but it is not inherent. Kids need guidance to learn and develop those habits. Teaching them how to make choices that balance “must do” tasks with “may do” options can help them take ownership of their routines and build resilience for the challenges that lie ahead.
Practical strategies for this stage include:
Collaborative Planning: Work with children to outline steps they can take when they feel overwhelmed.
Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate the moments they successfully apply these strategies to reinforce their confidence (think high fives and victory dances).
Role-Playing: Practice potential scenarios with them so they can rehearse responding to challenges in a safe space. You’d be surprised how serious they can get when playing “the teacher” who says, “Let’s take a breath.”
Middle School: Developing Independence and Resilience
By middle school, children’s cognitive and emotional capacities are significantly more developed. This is a prime stage for deepening their understanding of agency by encouraging them to take more initiative. For instance, I once guided a middle schooler who struggled with anxiety stemming from nightmares. The approach was multifaceted—we involved her in creating a bedtime plan that included reading a calming book, journaling her worries, and using grounding techniques she found helpful. We also practiced strategies that would help her feel in control of the images she might see at night, and language she could call upon in a dream to help her escape distressing situations (yes, this is possible!). It empowered her to see herself as an active participant in managing her anxiety.
Parents and educators can partner by fostering environments where middle schoolers feel their input is taken seriously. Schools can offer workshops on stress management and organizational skills, while parents can encourage these practices at home. This united front helps children recognize that their voice matters and that they can influence how they manage difficulties across different contexts. It’s crucial to remain attentive to how they emotionally respond to strategies and ensure that they feel involved in creating their own plans, not just following them.
Practical strategies for this stage include:
Independent Planning: Guide middle schoolers in setting their own goals and creating action plans to meet them, whether for school projects, extracurriculars, or personal challenges.
Open Discussions on Emotions: Encourage open conversations about how they’re feeling, giving them the language to express complex emotions and the tools to address them constructively.
Mindfulness Practices: Teach mindfulness exercises, like breathing techniques or guided imagery, that they can use when feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or unfocused.
Organizational Skills: Help them develop and use organization tools, like planners or digital apps, to manage assignments, deadlines, and personal responsibilities, fostering a sense of control and structure.
Encouraging Reflection: After a challenging experience, ask reflective questions to help them think through what went well and what they might do differently next time.
In the end…
Empowering children with agency is about much more than giving them choices—it’s about guiding them to build resilience, confidence, and independence in ways that support their growth and well-being. Whether they’re managing academic challenges, personal struggles, or the pressures of group dynamics, a strong sense of agency can help children face their lives with courage and self-assurance. By partnering with children in this journey and nurturing agency at every developmental stage, we help them grow into capable, empathetic, and resilient adults, ready to face whatever life brings.