In The Beginning, We Bring To Light
The beginning. Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of any journey is taking that first step. While we may have already begun to lace up our sneakers, gathered our nourishment, and said goodbye to those we leave behind - that first step over the threshold contains so many multitudes, that we can find ourselves searching for the courage to take it. Behind us, is what we know - the comfort, the stability, the routine. Ahead of us, are roads twisting with so much heartbreak and possibility, all hiding in the shadows of the unknown. We know - somewhere deep down - that our new horizon could contain untold treasure, and yet- we find ourselves waiting - toeing the line between here and there.
For some of us, every morning is another beginning - another chance to do things right, to take care of ourselves, to move forward. We may walk into our lives looking the same way we always do, but internally we are constantly restructuring who we are, and who we want to bring forth. For others, a new beginning marks a new stage of life, a new journey, a new decision we’ve made to take back the reins and have more time bring forth our soul’s message to the world. In either case, and all of those in between - the beginning marks a monumental act of creation, the giving of light to new life.
In Spanish, when we talk about giving birth, we talk about giving light. The term used for birthing is “dar a luz,” which translates to": to give to light. When we talk about someone having a baby, we say “ella dio a luz” - literally, she gave [a being] to light. The idea that creating life equals creating light is not a new one - it is one of the most ancient, and widely discussed aspects of theology. Where do we come from? How did we come to be the way we are? When was our beginning? It is one that generates new theories to this day - as each world religion’s origin story revolves around the eternal question of how we came to be.
The genesis of life, as adhered strongly by Jewish, Christian, and Islamic religions - and more loosely by others - begins with the creation of light. The separation of light from darkness, of Heavens from Earth sets us up for the cascade of life blooming across the planet. While some hold the theory of the first Mother and Father of humanity, others believe that we have existed spiritually in cycles of reincarnation for trillions of years- without a discernible “first”. In all cases, we begin somewhere - and we begin when we first see light, when that door first opens to reveal endless possibility.
My Safta Lea (z”l) - grandmother and theorist extraordinaire used to say that part of her believed strongly in the theory that we were placed on Earth as part of an experiment from a galaxy far away. She was, of course, a huge fan of Star Wars and Star Trek (a love that I carry on to this day), but would often speak fondly of the hopes and dreams that this ancient intergalactic civilization might have had for us, the human babies. She would speak of this arrangement as one made with the full knowledge of God’s presence and power as well - as if the two origin stories folded neatly into one another. At first glance, it is easy to dismiss such theories as the fantastical musings of a sci-fi fan. Upon a deeper look, we find this fantasy rooted in a reality marked by love and loss, war and desperation, and a deeply held desire for the future to contain more light than the past. The need for the living to thrive in light - even if brought upon the Earth from a galaxy far way - was expressed through memory of those lost in war, fire, and unimaginable devastation.
As I write this, the house is empty save for me and a new being of light (aka my freshly minted daughter) snoozing comfortably in a little nest I’ve built for her in our bed. The quiet - both in the house, and in my own head, is not something that I am used to. As this blog will attest, it has been many months since I have found the space to reflect, write, and share. Prior to her birth one week ago, every day was filled with things we had to do, places we needed to be, people who needed tending to, and the endless sounds of drilling and construction on our house that lasted way longer than anticipated. At the helm of all of these “must dos”, “must be’s” and '“please be done already” - was me: planning, organizing, dictating, shooing out the door because come on! we are late already! I had truly perfected the art of existing in the home plus in three workplaces at once - physically, virtually, and certainly emotionally. I feared the sudden stillness that would come with giving birth - how am I supposed to just stop? To not exist in all these places?
(some would argue that I still need to figure this out…)
I thought about each of the previous kids, and what life was like before and after they were brought to light. I remember the fear- slightly different each time, but with the same undercurrent: how am I supposed to begin a new chapter now - at this random point in the year? With my first it was, how will I cope with caring for a new being, when I am just learning to care for myself? With my second: How is it possible to have enough love for two, when one takes up my whole heart? With this one - how will she fold into our go-do-be life and still feel love and held?
The beginning scared me - even up to the moments leading up to their births. There are no do-overs when it comes to nurturing new life, there is no “relapse is part of recovery,” no “Genesis 2” because we messed up the first time. There is a little baby, entirely dependent on me: mind-heart-body-spirit (especially body) - to survive. There is a contract far more binding than any other, with the highest of authorities to continue the intergalactic experiment of humanity, and make it better than it has ever been. Somehow, each kid found their place in our family - and our hearts and lives expanded to hold them, celebrate them in light, and hold them in moments of struggle. Each one - from the one who barely cries, to the one who wanted steak at 4 months, to the one who wouldn’t unlatch for years - grows each day, and us with them.
Eventually the moment comes when we have to cross the threshold, where we take with us the voices in our heads, and the fear/hope diad in our hearts and take that step. The contractions are too close together to ignore, the date has come when we have told everyone we are doing the thing, the world is calling to us. So, we finish lacing up that shoe, we tighten our backpack straps, and head into the light of the unknown. With each step, creating more sparkle - and hoping that we do our best to make the world a little brighter.