Building Grit: Helping Kids Grow Through Challenges
“Mommy, how can you run so much?” my older daughter asked, her eyes wide with curiosity as I finished a long training run. She had joined me for part of my 18-mile marathon training session, scooting alongside while her sister rested in the stroller. When she decided she was done, I still had 13 miles left to go. Later, when we returned home, she was curious about how I managed to finish the run and still had energy for the rest of the day. It was the perfect moment to share an important lesson.
I explained that running a marathon is a skill developed over time, not something achieved overnight. It requires regular practice, strength training, and dedication—just like how she improves her writing, reading, and piano playing through consistent effort. The journey, not just the outcome, matters.
I shared how the beginning of training is often grueling. Building the endurance to run for several hours safely takes patience and practice. It also means being forgiving of myself when it feels hard or when I don’t want to continue—finding the strength to keep going despite those moments. Dedicating time and effort to improve the skill, building up properly, and making it a priority when it matters all play a part. Sometimes that means running very early in the morning or taking one or more kids along.
I reflected with her that those difficult moments on a run are like the times she struggles with learning a new song on the piano. It’s not always fun, but it’s where growth happens. Since she’s learning about a “growth mindset” in school, this resonated with what her teachers have been encouraging. It’s not just about what you can do right now; it’s also about what you are building towards.
This experience reflects a larger truth for parents and educators: helping children discover what they love, develop the grit to keep practicing, and navigate the pressures of comparison is essential for their growth. While the world often measures success against others, we can guide them to focus on their unique paths and empower them to appreciate their own progress.
Discovering What They Love
Every child has unique interests and passions, but discovering them takes time. Adults play a crucial role in providing opportunities for exploration, nurturing curiosity, and giving children the freedom to find what resonates with them. This means creating safe boundaries that help kids navigate new experiences, offering guidance, and establishing limits where necessary, but ensuring those boundaries don’t become restrictive walls.
The aim is to offer structure, not control. Boundaries should serve as a safety net, allowing children to explore new interests while knowing there’s a secure, supportive environment around them. For example, signing up a child for a variety of activities—whether it’s sports, music, art, or dance—provides them with opportunities to discover their strengths and passions. Maybe they’ll find that they love painting but feel indifferent toward soccer, or that they enjoy the teamwork of theater more than the solitary practice of learning an instrument.
The goal is to celebrate their passions, whatever they may be, and to resist the temptation to steer them solely toward activities adults might deem more "important" or "valuable." Just because a parent might have excelled in math, for instance, doesn’t mean their child will share the same enthusiasm. Instead of insisting on the piano when the child’s heart is set on soccer, or pushing academic clubs when they’re naturally drawn to dance, adults can show they value their child’s choices by encouraging exploration and self-expression without fear of judgment.
Building Grit Through Practice: Embracing the Power of “Yet”
When children take up a new skill or hobby, the initial excitement can fade as challenges arise. This is where grit—the ability to persevere—becomes essential. It’s natural for kids to feel discouraged when progress isn’t immediate, but learning to push through these moments can help them understand that mastery takes time, effort, and patience.
An important part of this journey is teaching the power of “yet.” When a child says, “I can’t do this,” it’s often a sign of frustration. This is the perfect moment to introduce the word “yet.” Encouraging them to rephrase it as, “I can’t do this yet,” shifts their mindset from one of defeat to one of possibility. This simple change reinforces the idea that learning is a process, and that struggles are a natural part of growth.
Supporting children in setting small, achievable goals and celebrating each milestone helps build resilience. Whether they’re struggling with math, learning an instrument, or playing a sport, persistence is the key to improvement. Every challenge they face becomes an opportunity for growth, and by embracing the process rather than rushing toward the outcome, they develop resilience that will serve them throughout life.
How do we do this?
Model Consistent Effort: Show them that improvement in any skill, whether it’s running or piano, comes from regular, dedicated practice. Set an example by sharing your own experiences and how you keep pushing through difficult moments.
Celebrate Small Wins: Break tasks down into smaller, achievable goals, and celebrate each milestone, even small ones. This helps them stay motivated and feel a sense of accomplishment.
Reframe Struggles with “Yet”: When your child says, “I can’t do this,” encourage them to say, “I can’t do this yet,” to help them view challenges as part of the learning process, not a dead end.
Navigating Comparison With Gentle Language
In a world where comparison is almost inevitable—whether in school, sports, or family dynamics—helping children manage these pressures is crucial. Comparison can lead to anxiety, frustration, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The language used by parents and educators plays a key role here. Instead of saying, “You’re almost as good as your friend,” try, “I’m proud of the effort you put into learning that new skill.” Emphasizing effort and progress shifts the focus from external competition to internal growth.
In the classroom, it’s equally important to create an environment that values individual progress. Rather than praising the student who finishes first, teachers can highlight the thoughtfulness and care behind the work, reinforcing that it’s not about speed but the learning process itself.
How do we do this?
Focus on Effort, Not Results: Praise your child’s hard work rather than comparing them to others. For example, say, “I’m proud of how hard you’re working,” or “I really love how you take the time to thoughtfully do this task”
Highlight Individual Growth: Encourage your child to measure their progress against their own goals, rather than competing with others. This helps them feel proud of their personal growth and keeps comparison at bay. You can help them keep track of their growth with a chart, or even taking photos or videos of their achievements.
A New Page: Teaching Grace and Compassion
As we turn a new page in the book of life, this season of fresh beginnings is the perfect opportunity to model grace and compassion. Just as we strive to better ourselves, we can teach children to do the same, without harsh self-criticism. Building skills and habits is a journey that requires patience. It’s okay to stumble, as long as we get back up with a spirit of kindness toward ourselves.
An essential lesson to teach during this journey is that it's okay for things to feel hard. Whether learning a new skill or facing a challenging moment, discomfort is part of the process. We can model this as adults by showing patience and resilience during our own struggles. If you're working through a difficult task or trying to master something new, share your experience with your child: "This is tough for me right now, but I know it will get easier with time." When children see us handle challenges with patience and perseverance, they learn that struggle isn't something to fear but rather a natural part of growth.
A key aspect of this process is teaching children the power of positive self-talk. The way they speak to themselves during difficult moments can significantly impact their mindset. Instead of saying, “I’ll never be able to do this,” we can encourage them to say, “This is hard, but I can keep trying.” Modeling this in our own lives is crucial. For example, if you make a mistake at work or in your personal life, you might say out loud, “I didn’t get that right, but I’ll learn and do better next time.” When children hear us talk to ourselves with patience and positivity, they learn to apply the same language to their own struggles.
Encouraging children to be gentle with themselves during moments of struggle reminds them that failure is not the end; it's part of learning. When they can show themselves the same compassion they would offer a friend, they build resilience and confidence. This self-kindness, supported by positive self-talk, nurtures a growth mindset and allows them to see each day as a chance to improve, try again, and celebrate small wins.
How do we do this?
Encourage Self-Kindness: When your child faces setbacks, remind them that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s part of the learning process. Model self-compassion by saying things like, “It’s okay to make mistakes; that’s how we learn.”
Reframe Failure: Help them see failure not as the end, but as an opportunity to learn. Ask, “What can we learn from this?” or “What can we try differently next time?”
Model Patience in Struggles: Show your children that it's okay for things to feel difficult, and that persistence pays off. When you're struggling, verbalize the challenge and how you’re working through it, so they understand that struggle is part of success.
By modeling patience, self-kindness, and positive self-talk, we guide our children to approach life's challenges with resilience and grace. This prepares them not only for the tasks in front of them today, but also for a lifetime of learning and growth.