Beyond Scripts: Trusting Ourselves as Parents
I received a message: "You were only born with two arms - stop trying to hold it all together." It was a response to my question: "How?" How does one parent, work, learn, clean up, self-care, and generally function these days?
After Shabbat, I, like many others, opened my phone to news about children. These children weren't laughing or showing off achievements; they had been killed by a rocket attack while playing soccer. Such tragedies are not new to us as Jews, Israelis, Americans, or simply as people. The reality of such events is a persistent fear, creeping closer with every news story. When we learn about the loss of a child, most of us feel it deeply. It weighs on our hearts and baffles our minds.
Yet, we're expected to raise joyful, hopeful children, promising them a world free of violence and danger. We are supposed to hold them tightly - not because it might be the last time, but because we love them more than anything in the world. We are supposed to hide this fear, deep down in our bodies, and parent with perfection.
The internet, where many parents live and work, offers services by self-proclaimed parenting experts. The hook often features images of angry-looking children, with text surrounded in sparkles that boasts a fool-proof way to deal with such children. All a desperate parent needs to do is: subscribe to this person’s FREE TRIAL of parenting advice, and then check out their variety of subscription based services that will send exactly what to say when a child uses his cereal bowl for pitching practice. These are all people who have it all figured out - and so they must share their figured-it-out-edness with others who are drowning in tears, tantrums, and toilet training - for a price. These parenting tips used to be passed down through generations, shared among family and friends along with old coats and Pesach recipes. Now, the parenting industry, worth over three billion dollars, tells us we're doing it wrong.
Parents today face a barrage of criticism, undermining their confidence. Anyone with a Wi-Fi connection and a few minutes to spare can have an opinion on how to raise children. These come in a variety of flavors too - pick your faith, origin, and language. I’m tired of feeling bad, and being sold these things in my most vulnerable moments. I’m tired of my friends feeling bad, and the parents of my students feeling bad. Raising children is hard; it's like navigating a mirror maze, bumping into reflections of ourselves until we find our way through. We all need a safe space to make mistakes and learn from them.
It takes a lifetime to learn how to human, and the skills we have need constant re-certification. Have you ever tried to make a new friend in your 30s? It’s so hard. You can’t just roll up to someone on your Peloton and say, “Hey - we have the same shared trauma, wanna be lifelong friends who make dark jokes at each other?” (Although, I wish it were that easy sometimes). What we look for - both as children and adults - is the knowledge that we are able to make mistakes in a safe container. If you fumble your first attempt at friendship at age 10 - or 38, you have a safety net that can help you learn, rebuild, and try again.
The more I work in this field, the more I notice that we actually need to stop giving parents - and kids - gimmicks. Every stage of living brings with it a new set of expectations and adjustments. Right now, being in both the baby stage and the tween stage in the same house - let me tell you the only thing that works: empathy, confidence, and consistency. I might not know the answer, but I sure am going to be confident when I tell my daughter, “I don’t know, let’s find out together.” I may not know why my baby is crying, but I will cycle through the options in some order. I might not know why my son is throwing rocks at the road, but I know I can approach him and we can talk about it. I might not know why my teenage client is struggling in her friendships, but I know for sure that she can trial-and-error it with me. Whether dealing with a baby's cries, a child's tantrums, or a teenager's struggles, it's about being present and willing to figure things out together, not memorizing scripts.
While tools for self-regulation are important, it's essential to recognize that emotions can't be boxed in. I teach kids how to breathe in ways that regulate their nervous systems. The emotion will still exist, but its intensity can diminish. The tool can range from breath, to exercise, to crossword puzzles, to crocheting. These tools go along with a parent that can consistently embody a balance of empathy and authority. Children need to see that we are imperfect yet reliable figures who uphold structure.
Children today are exposed to the world's violence beyond our control, often encountering it inadvertently through various media. Therefore, we must be their safe container, providing stability and reassurance amid the chaos. Gimmicks and scripts won't help with that. Sometimes, when I hear about yet another method, I want to yell, “STOP IT!” Stop it with the scripts, the zones, the parenting jargon, and the foolproof series of eight steps. Stop it with the gentle voices when a firm tone is needed. Stop trying to name emotions in chaos; sometimes it's okay to jump right into it with them and figure it out. It’s okay to get on the floor with them and kick and scream - it’s okay for them to see that we can also be messy. Most of all, if you’re doing your best, stop feeling shame. It’s okay for children to struggle a little, to be uncomfortable for a few minutes, and barring any physical reason - to walk and not be carried. Children will encounter discomfort their whole lives—teachers they disagree with, friends who aren't nice, sports teams they won't make. They learn to cope by seeing that we acknowledge the mess, and that we are okay with it being there, and having empathetic yet firm guidance through it.
It’s also okay for them to see that we are imperfect. What’s not okay is for them to walk all over us—whether we are parents, teachers, or caregivers. If your child’s anger involves cursing, hitting, biting, or any kind of hurting, they need a reminder of who upholds the structure in the home: you. While rules may differ for neurodivergent children, the core principles remain the same: empathy, confidence and consistency. Children feel safe when they know we are holding their world. When we provide the container.
As parents, the best we can offer our children is not perfection but our presence, our empathy, and our resilience. They need to see that we can face challenges and uncertainties together, learning and growing along the way. This teaches them that it's okay to make mistakes, to feel a range of emotions, and to seek solutions collaboratively. Navigating the labyrinth of parenting is much like working through that mirror maze, where every turn reflects a different part of ourselves and our experiences. It’s confusing, sometimes overwhelming, but ultimately, it’s about finding our way through, step by step. This journey requires us to be adaptable and to trust our instincts even when the path ahead is unclear.
It's essential to remember that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. What works for one family or child may not work for another. We need to embrace flexibility and trust our instincts, and give ourselves permission to parent authentically, without constantly seeking validation from external sources. By doing so, we model self-trust and adaptability for our children. We can certainly chat with those around us on how they do that- but if we are trying to memorize scripts, we end up failing ourselves and our kids. We can build strong family bonds by figuring out the messy times together - and we can help others by sharing from our particular messiness.
Encouraging self-regulation in our children means first practicing it ourselves. Tools like breathing exercises, physical activity, and creative outlets are invaluable, but they are most effective when used consistently and confidently. Our children learn to manage their emotions by observing how we manage ours. When we remain calm and collected, even in the face of chaos, we provide a stable foundation for them to lean on. In our world of chaos being around every corner, practicing the tools that work for our family - together - allows us to continue moving forward on our journeys in life.
Ultimately, what parents benefit most from is encouragement to trust themselves and a flexible toolkit to help regulate their nervous systems and that of their kids. Trust yourself. Trust that you are enough for your children, that your love and effort are what truly matter. Adapt as needed, but always with the understanding that you are the best person to raise your child. In the end, it's this trust and adaptability that will help our children feel safe, loved, and prepared to face the world. Just as we find our way through the mirror maze, reflecting on our own experiences and adapting our approach, we guide our children through their own labyrinths, ensuring they always have a steady hand to hold.
So, next time you are tempted to Google “what is the best way to talk to my teen about body odor?” - pause for a moment. Remember that you know your child better than any article or expert. Trust your instincts and have an open, honest conversation. Speak from your heart and with empathy. Your teen will appreciate your authenticity far more than any rehearsed script. By engaging in genuine, heartfelt dialogue, you demonstrate the importance of trust and communication, showing them that navigating life's awkward and challenging moments is part of the journey we all share.