Balancing Commemoration and Emotional Care:
Helping Children Navigate October 7
Last month, as we were preparing to commemorate 9/11 in our school, a teacher remarked that today’s kids don’t feel a connection to 9/11 in the same way we adults do, having lived through it. She mentioned that, to many children, it feels as distant as the Shoah. This comment stayed with me, especially as we prepare to mark the first anniversary of October 7, 2023—a day that is still so raw and present.
Unlike events like 9/11 or the Shoah, the tragedy of October 7 is not in the past; it’s still unfolding, with developments that change daily, even by the minute. For many families in our communities, this is an ongoing reality—some are mourning loved ones, others are worried about family members serving in the Israeli military, and many are anxiously awaiting updates from relatives in Israel. It’s an emotional landscape that’s constantly shifting, reminding us that we’re living through an evolving situation, not simply commemorating a past event.
This brings a unique weight to how we, as educators, parents, and community members, approach ceremonies and conversations around this day. While it’s important to mark an anniversary that has profoundly impacted us as Jews and as part of a global Jewish community, we can be mindful of how we do so—especially when children are involved.
A Fluid Situation: Honoring While Protecting
The emotional implications of commemorating something ongoing need gentle care. For many children, especially those sensitive to the emotions of adults around them, participating in ceremonies or conversations about October 7 might feel confusing or even distressing. How do we help them make sense of something without closure? How do we honor the significance of this day without overwhelming them with fear or sadness?
As adults, we may feel a strong need to commemorate this moment, to process our grief, and to mark an event that has shaken us to our core. At the same time, it’s important to hold space for children’s emotional well-being while still guiding them toward understanding their place in a world that is complex and sometimes difficult. It’s a delicate balance between protecting them from distress and helping them engage with the world in a meaningful way.
The Importance of Balance in School Ceremonies
In school settings, ceremonies will likely play a central role in commemorating October 7. While these gatherings provide important opportunities for reflection, they also carry emotional weight—especially for children who may not fully understand the situation. One key consideration is that children of the same age can have vastly different levels of knowledge and awareness. Some may be deeply aware, having overheard adult conversations or watched the news, while others may have been shielded from many of the details. We can be careful not to overwhelm children with too much information or pressure them into processing emotions they’re not ready for.
This is where striking a balance becomes essential. Educators can create a space for reflection while being mindful of each child’s emotional capacity. By keeping ceremonies age-appropriate and allowing children to opt out if they feel uncomfortable, we can offer them the opportunity to reflect without overwhelming them. It’s important to acknowledge their varied experiences without assuming they all know the same details or feel the same way.
Clarifying Boundaries Between Commemoration and Ongoing Trauma
Since the events are still unfolding in Israel, children may feel ongoing anxiety or confusion. To navigate this complexity, parents and educators can offer support both before and after the commemorations. Preparing children with simple, age-appropriate explanations can help ease any confusion and offer a sense of safety. Letting them ask questions or express their feelings—whether through conversation, drawing, or other creative outlets—is key to helping them process the emotions surrounding these ceremonies.
For younger children, gentle preparation before the event and emotional check-ins afterward can prevent feelings of overwhelm. Older children may be ready for more open discussions about the significance of the day, but they also need space to process at their own pace. Afterward, offering them time for reflection and reassuring them that it’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions will support their emotional well-being.
If a child feels safe expressing their feelings with you, your task is to create a safe container for those emotions—to hold and validate them, and help the child process in that moment. It’s also helpful to remind them that emotions are fluid, not constant, and that these feelings will come and go. By being present for them before and after ceremonies, we honor the day’s significance while protecting their mental health.
Empathy, Reassurance, and Openness
As we navigate these conversations, whether in school or at home, we can approach them with empathy and openness. Children need to feel reassured that they are safe, even if the world around them feels uncertain. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and offer space to process what they’re hearing and experiencing.
For younger children, reassure them with, “If you’re worried, it’s okay to say so. What are you worried about?” and “I promise I’m here for you.” For older children, you might say, “It’s okay to feel unsure. What’s been difficult for you to think about?” Encouraging open dialogue can help children process their feelings while knowing they are supported.
Warm, open dialogue helps children feel seen and supported. Let them ask questions, even difficult ones, and answer honestly in ways that are appropriate for their age. If a child asks, “Is everything going to be okay?” It's okay to admit that we don’t have all the answers. But with younger children, sometimes it’s okay to simply answer “Yes.”
The key is to be present for them emotionally. If a child feels safe asking tough questions, they’ll also feel safe enough to express their feelings, knowing that they won’t be judged or dismissed.
The Role of Jewish Identity and Community
This moment carries an added layer of complexity. The attacks of October 7 shook the Jewish community worldwide, and the aftershocks of rising antisemitic sentiment in the diaspora are being felt keenly. Many children may be sensing this shift, from hearing about incidents of antisemitism to noticing changes in how their families or communities speak about safety and identity.
It’s important to acknowledge this with them, while also emphasizing the strength and resilience of our people. By connecting them to the larger Jewish narrative—one that values kindness, justice, and hope—we help them feel rooted in their identity while still being part of the wider world.
Helping Children Process Their Feelings
Children experience and express emotions in many ways, and it’s important to provide safe, supportive spaces for them to navigate their feelings. Encourage them to talk, draw, or play as they process their feelings about the commemoration. Creative activities can be powerful tools for exploring difficult emotions without overwhelming them.
At the same time, some children may not be ready to talk or express their feelings immediately, and that’s okay. For some, the emotions may feel too overwhelming, and they may want to step back from the intensity. Reassuring them that this is perfectly fine allows them to process emotions at their own pace.
For younger children, you might say, “It’s okay to feel sad or confused. Can you tell me what you’re feeling?” or “What would you like to draw or play to help express how you feel?” For older children, encourage dialogue with prompts like, “If you have questions, I’m here to listen. What’s on your mind?” or “It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed right now. How can I support you?”
Sometimes a simple “I hear you. This is hard. And I am here for you” goes a long way.
Conclusion: Balancing Reflection with Protection
Commemorating October 7 is important for our communities, as it has left a profound mark on our collective soul. Yet, it’s crucial to remember that we are commemorating a live, unfolding event. The emotional implications of this fluidity are profound, especially for children. By approaching these commemorations with empathy, care, and thoughtfulness, we can create spaces for reflection that honor the day while also protecting our children’s emotional well-being.
In Kohelet, we are taught that “to everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” This wisdom reminds us that while grief and mourning are essential, so too is the ability to find moments of hope and healing. We must balance the weight of our collective sorrow with the responsibility to protect and guide our children through these difficult moments.
By marking this anniversary with both reflection and compassion, we ensure that our children are not only aware of the significance of this day but also secure in the knowledge that they are loved, supported, and safe.
Let us continue to honor those we have lost, support those still affected, and guide the next generation with love, resilience, and hope.
Let us enter the new year with faith that it will be one of peace, joy, and health for our communities.